Will a real Londoner please stand up?

The strange thing about living in London is that you rarely, if ever, meet any actual Londoners. That is to say, people who are borough born and bred. I suppose it's the same in any cosmopolitan city. How many New Yorkers are actually from New York? My guess? Not many.

I'm pretty sure that, along with an ability to be abbreviated into a two letter acronym, NY shares with cities like SF, LA and DC, the fact that it is made up of people that are mostly from "somewhere else" who, after an acceptable period of time, begin to call themselves by the city they inhabit.

London is the same, only on a much more global level.

As part of the EU, London is an open door to people from all across Europe as well as the rest of the UK. As a member of the Commonwealth it has also, until recently, been quite friendly to other Commonwealth citizens, allowing them to stay and play with relative freedom. As a result the city is teeming with people from all over Africa, half the population of Canada, and almost every Aussie, Kiwi and white South African under the age of 30.

Perhaps what's most interesting about this melting pot of mini nations is their clearly staked out geographic settlement throughout Greater London.

When I came to London, one of the first things I learned was that there's a clear divide between North and South London (West and East don't really get a stake in this turf war). North London, I was told, is where all of the "real Londoners" live. While South London is where you'll find all of those people who've come from the ever elusive "somewhere else", wherever that may be.

The funny thing is, from what I can tell, everyone who lives in the North comes from "somewhere else" as well. In fact, the only two true Londoners I know, Erika and Evih, come from you guessed it, the South!

The more I've thought about it, the more it seems to me that everyone I know who lives in the North, while they may be from "somewhere else", like to think that they are actual Londoners, or at least don't want to be associated with those who are most definitely NOT real Londoners. In fact, it's quite likely that they live in the North because they've been told that's where real Londoners live, and want to follow suit.

Those in the South, on the other hand, are much more likely to associate with the country from which they've come, and are far less likely to assimilate into British culture, choosing instead to cheer for their home country's football teams and socialize with people from their own part of the world. They're more likely to see themselves not as Londoners, but as (insert nationality here) who are temporarily residing in London for whatever reason, but will never call it home.

Now, it's likely that these are sweeping generalizations (I like to make those). I'm sure there are many true blue Londoners who live in the North. Just as I'm sure there are many real Londoners who live in the South.

So, what am I? Well, do socialize with a surprising number of Canadians and Americans (though most Americans live Central or West). But I also know shed loads of South Africans, Kiwis, Aussies, and amazingly REAL LONDONERS! I would like to say I see myself as a Londoner, but after 11 months, I'm not sure if that's allowed. I am very clearly from "somewhere else", but I could someday be from London. I live in the South, but if I were to stick around for much longer I would probably move a little further North.

The answer then, I suppose, is that I'm a North American wannabe Londoner who doesn't really fit squarely in the North or the South, but perhaps somewhere in between.

And anyway, a person's "Londoness" shouldn't be judged on what part of the city they live in, or whether they were actually born and raised here, but by a very scientific set of criteria that has been developed to spot the real Londoners from the tourists on extended holiday.

In my estimation in order to be considered "London" you must:

1) Acquire an encyclopedic knowledge of the London transport system. This includes having memorized all pertinent bus routes, train schedules and planned engineering works. It also includes having a sixth sense for which carriage to get on on each line in order to increase your chances of getting a seat.

2) Have an internal body temperature that does not fluctuate wildly, despite being decked out in full winter wear, when transitioning from a bitterly cold and blustery outdoors to a subtropical and sweaty tube station.

3) Maintain the ability to still, despite weathering endless cold, wet non-summers, believe the Met Office when they say this summer is going to be a scorcher. Followed by the goodnaturedness to laugh it off when they change their prediction half way through August to concede that yes, this summer is going to be just as miserable as the last five.

This also requires the resolve to say, "Sure, let's have a picnic in the rain!" and mean it.

4) Command the wherewithal to pair tights with every outfit ever, and not be fooled to believe that you should take them off when it's 30C outside because, you don't care what the Met Office says, it's going to rain.

5) Lean slightly towards alcoholism. That is, when you're asked to go for a drink for the fifth time in one week, the phrase "No, thanks, but how about a gelato or a coffee instead?" never enters your mind. Never. Ever.

If you can master these it doesn't matter where you're from, you've earned your stripes in this city.